Wednesday, August 31

Hello? Hello...

Okay, now I'm starting to feel hurt. Maybe there are people out there who are reading this, maybe they just turn tail and run away from all the craziness that I'm putting up here; I wouldn't blame them. But seriously, even the people who do know me haven't posted any comment to say that they've been here! Hellloooo? Are you people still alive? Even if you are a total stranger and seriously freaked out with all the crazy stuff that I post, TELL ME. At least then I'll know that someone is out there reading something! That makes me feel a little better about continuing to post this stuff.


actually, I think that I would still write here even if no one read any of it, it's a great stress outlet and ego booster. I look back on this stuff and think "Wow, Ezer, you really do have something in that head of yours, even if it is totally insane and pointless."

Unspoken Someone

Have you ever felt something that just resonated inside of you? That there was something in your soul that needed to be said or done or let loose? I don't know if it's today or just the weather or something else, but I just feel unsaid. There is no other way to describe this feeling that grows inside of me sometimes. There's something powerfull within me that needs to be released, even as I type this it fades like a dream you've just woken up from. There's nothing to do about it that's what's sad. I want to scream and dance, to laugh and cry; I want to shout something from the highest building and I want to crawl under my bed and never come out. There is something unexplained in me, something undiscovered that even I don't understand. I want to be something more than I am, but I don't know how to become that someone.

Friday, August 26

The Unknown

Have you ever had one of those days when you start out and you feel like you in a fog? But not like the general sense. It's like you know you have this sure footing but you can't see anything that's coming your way. You know that stuff is "out there" but you're not able to process. And then it hits you at the end of the day everything that you have to do, or all the stuff you don't understand, and its like everything that could possibly be thrown at you is coming toward you out of that fog and you can't make sense of it all. Sleeping doesn't help because you can't go to sleep because you're thinking about everything you could possibly think about.


I hate being in these moments because a little voice says that it will all work out; you know it does, and life will continue on. But you just can't see the end right now.


I want to curl up and ignore the world and everything I don't understand. But there is no safe place for me to go anymore. I feel like I'm on my own. I mean I am. But I don't feel like there is anyone to whom I can reach out to, for comfort and guidance. All of my optimism is fading away. I just can't see the good in this situation right now.


Why couldn't things just have stayed the same? I want to keep on living the way I was. I don't want things to change.


For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD,
my confidence since my youth.

From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother's womb.
I will ever praise you.


Psalm 71:5-6 (NIV)


You keep me going when times are tough--

my bedrock, GOD, since my childhood.

I've hung on you from the day of my birth,

the day you took me from the cradle;

I'll never run out of praise.


Psalm 71:5-6 (the Message)

Monday, August 22

I Really Dislike the Doctor

Okay. So maybe dislike is too weak a word, but I'm a Christian, we're not supposed to hate, the whole loving our enemies thing. But Jesus never had to get shots. Or have His teeth cleaned by megalomaniac dentists and their flirty assistants.


First point, I don't think that God ever intended us to get shots. Think about it; our skin is made to be a protective barrier against diseases and other stuff, right? So for some sicko to have to think up a way to get medicine through that protective barrier is wrong. Therefore, I should not have to be subject to such torture and blasphemy: it's against my religion. And also, if everyone else at school gets immunization against measles, mumps and rubella, then why do I have to? If they're not going to get it, then they can't pass it on to me, right? And if I don't want to get shots then that's my choice. When did we loose that right to choose, I'd like to know? And is New York an anal and overcontroling state, or is that just me? If I die, it's my own stupid fault.


Okay, I'm a little better.


Before I change the subject, have you ever noticed that shots never hurt as much as you remember? I was sitting on that paper lined table in the doctor's office, waiting for the nurse to come in and administer the cruel and unusual punishment for not having all my shot records correct and updated. But anyway, I was sitting there gearing up for this unimaginable pain, and she finally comes back in (with a smaller needle than I remember it being). I can't tell you how freaked out I was. I couldn't even understand why! But I take a couple deep breaths and let her give me the shot. Wouldn't you know, it was almost painless. And me sitting there like I'm about to be executed or something. I really don't remember shots hurting so little.


Now on to dentists. In truth, I've never had a problem with going to the dentist. I have a dentist at home that I really enjoy going to. But I can see how some people loathe it after my encounter today. I shudder. And it was just a cleaning! No cavities, no problems, just a cleaning. But I swear, the guy took a layer of enamel off my teeth. Seriously. He had this water pick thing, and it vibrated really fast, so fast that they had to have water dripped out of (or something) and the pick vibrated so fast it made the water hot! If you can even understand that very poor grammatical example of a sentence. But he shoved that thing up under my gums! I was continually rinsing out blood from my mouth. He was trying to tell me that my gums were bleeding because I don't floss or brush my teeth enough, but no ones gums well brushed or otherwise bleed that much. They're still sore.


That wasn't even the end, but I think that I've spent too much of this entry complaining. It's just these kind of days that make your life seem like it's turned upsidedown.


Here are some wonderful quotes to make up for the ones I haven't put up:



"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."


Mark Twain


"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."


Mark Twain


"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens."


J.R.R. Tolkien

Saturday, August 6

Hope

God can send you the strangest forms of hope and encouragement. I was driving home tonight from a singles group, still wallowing in self-pity and self-derision. I was crying and talking to God, and as I pulled up my drive I looked across the street to my neighbors and saw one of my friends was over there. There were a couple cars out front and I looked at them wondering if this person I had met was over. This guy had harassed me into an acquaintance earlier in the year. He is not a Christian, very into worldly stuff, you know the football player type, but anyway, the thought hit me that he was sort of my friend. In an odd random sort of way. But he does talk to me, on occasion, and I had never done anything to particularly encourage the relationship (I think he found me a little eccentric, can you blame him?). If he would talk to me, then why wont others?

Doubt and Insanity

I was thinking today about changes (again). I was trying to decide what to write about myself for one of those public post things. Anyway, I was running subjects through my head trying to decide what people would most want to read about me; and as I was deciding, I thought, no one wants to hear about this. I mean, in all honesty, no one cares about my accomplishments up to this point in my life. Before, everything was standard. My life, and everyone else's, was categorized and we knew, according to our accomplishment, what and who was important and what was relevant to get us to the next point in our lives.


But now that I've reached that point, all my other achievements don't matter. How am I supposed to measure up in this new arena? I never thought, until now, how much all that stuff meant to me. I'm stepping out into this new, seemingly larger world and I have nothing to recommend myself with except my faith. But in the world today that doesn't seem to hold much. I mean, it does, everything works out for those that trust in Him. But, how can I step out in confidence?How am I supposed to make friends? It takes me three-fourths of a lecture to work up the courage to talk to the person sitting next to me and ask them if they'll reach down and grab my fallen pencil for me!


I'm going to die.


You know, I'm so glad that all of you nonexistent people that are reading these don't know me. From reading this you might think there was something seriously wrong with me. There probably is.


I think too much. I'll write again when I'm sane again. Later.

Friday, August 5

Courage

I watched Blackhawk Down with my brother tonight, and again was taken, as I always am, at the amazing sacrifices that our military continue to lay down. Would that all of us could be as courageous in the face of trials and tribulations as they are everyday.


I was talking with my father the other night and he told me something about courage that I had never thought about before. He said that too often we think of courage as being the absence of fear. But in reality everyone is afraid, courage is just how we respond in the face of that fear.


Sometimes I think that people as a whole are too busy thinking about themselves and how to make their lives better that they have no room for courage. Because in essence, having courage means that you have to lay down your own wellbeing, your own desires for the sake of someone else. We hear about some of these people on the news who seem like extraordinary men and women; really though, courage isn't something you're born with. If humanity had it's own way no one would ever show the strength of character to be courageous. Having courage is a decision, a choice, not a gene. We are all capable of being courageous. I think in the end it's because of our self-centeredness; we've been too caught up in ourselves for too long.

A Begining

Hello everyone and welcome to my Blog! One of my very good friends has a one of these and I thought the idea was really cool. I hope you all find some kind of entertainment out of reading the things I am putting down now and thoughts that I hope to put down in the future. Feel free to correct any of my spelling mistakes, I am a notoriously bad speller. If I remember to spell check, I will, but I am also very forgetful!


My name henceforth is Ezer Kenegdo; you may all call me Ezer. Hopefully soon I will have an email account for this site so that anyone who wants to can email me. I hope some of you will, or at the very least will leave me comments - they will be greatly appreciated!


Every once in a while, my goal is to update this site with little bits of wisdom, cool or funny quotes, perhaps even ranting about how much I hate my life at the moment. Maybe someone will be encouraged, most of you will probably be amused. But overall I hope that the wisdom that I find through my experiences will be interesting at the least. I would love for people to suggest things to talk about or think about. Anything, please! Even if it's just the latest movie, or bestseller book.


So to start: There are a lot of things that are changing in my life right now. It's difficult to comprehend that from this point on things are never going to be the same. People have told me that this is all normal, but it doesn't help me accept or adjust to everything. On the other hand change is always good. It's the unknown that that makes it difficult to face. It's comforting to know that I'll never approach any corner or turn in my life alone. I'll always have friends and family to turn to when I need encouragement or support. Even if they fail me, though, that my God is already before me. He knows what is to come and even though I fail, he will never leave me.


" There are other forces at work in the world besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the ring; in which case you were also meant to have it, and that is an encouraging thought."


The Lord of the Rings, Motion Picture