Sunday, September 25

I'm Turning into Faulkner; To Many Thoughts Up in My Head.

(I think that's a song...)

I'm having difficulty putting my thoughts into words lately. Everything I need to say or want to say is coming days after the time to say it has passed.

I feel very despondent; I looked that up to make sure I was using it correctly. Discouraged, dispirited, and wretched. Yep, that's right word.

There are a lot of things going on in my life right now that have been spiritually crushing. They're things that I've never had to deal with before; and frankly, considering the circumstances, am a little surprised that I'm ending up having to.

I've grown up around people who are very firm in their beliefs. Their relationship with God was very serious; a day to day living out. So, when I came and was submerged into this new environment with new people, I didn't expect to see the almost careless adaptation of religion. It was a kind of shock to realize that because other religions are not based on a relationship of trust and love with an omnipotent God, people feel that they can "choose and pick" what parts they want to incorporate into their lives. And the Christians that I am in regular contact with don't seem to have the kind of love for God that I have. That surprises me. But I have to remember that a couple of years ago, I probably would have looked the same.

Reflecting, I think that the difference lies in the fact that I have chosen to rely on my Protector and Provider. I have come to the point in my life where I have had to choose who I am going to put my trust in. Humans naturaly want to feel safe. In our terms, being safe requires some sort of barrier against others, society, those of the opposite sex, the world, whatever an individual feels as a threat to their state of confidence. Notice that I used the word confidence. Feeling safe is not about feeling secure on a physical level, it's about feeling secure on an emotional and mental level. Not that feeling safe physically isn't a part of that. The actions of a husband or boyfriend who physically abuses a woman, or a bully on the playground, or any of the other hundreds of situations are wrong, there's no way around that. What I'm trying to point out is that as a global society, we do not like to put ourselves in a situation that jeopardizes our state of confidence. So we put up barriers against the world. I am probably the best example of this. When it comes to sports, well, it never comes to sports because I never do them. I feel inferior and unskilled. My confidence just up and goes out the window. So I don't. My poor mom never knew what to do with me. She would sign me up for some type of sport and a month later, she'd be trying something else. After a while, she just gave up on me, said I was just too much like my dad in the stubbornness department.

And it's not just sports, I do it in a lot of other situations, too. Boys are another big department. I feel insecure, so I don't take the initiative to interact with them. But it would really take up too much room to explain to you all my little insecurities, and there are other things I want to write.

Do you see my point in all this roundabout chit chat? People want security, they want to be confident in themselves, but they go about it in all the wrong ways. When I put my confidence in God (and by the way, this didn't happen until years after I became a Christian) that's it. I don't need to protect myself. There is something bigger that I have in me that I have confidence in. And it's such a glorious relief!

We're gonna switch topics a little bit. I have to have some way to get all this junk out of my system. I was in a difficult situation the past couple of weeks. I really had to trust, then and now, that God knows what's best and that He has a perfect plan that's coming into fruition in the midst of this. But on another level, it bothered me that I didn't feel anything about the situation. At first, I was a little hurt and sad and angry, but now, after all those emotions have fizzled off, I didn't feel anything. Nothing, not even anxiety over how everything was going to be resolved. It's bothered me for a little while. I feel like I should be feeling something. I'm feeling at times a great nothing growing up inside of me. An emptiness I am finding hard to explain. It's not that disgusting ashamed hollow feeling you get when you've stepped off of God's path; it's not that deep, if you can understand that. I know that God has been there these past few weeks and He still is. I'm constantly turning to Him for encouragement and comfort. The only way I can think to explain it is like this:

I've sometimes imagined the human soul to be like a tangled mass of string or pulsing threads of energy. At times, in the less tangled parts, god touches it and things begin to grow and get all twisted round in the fibers of the soul. On the physical plain, they sometimes manifest themselves as my art work or concepts for stories. Sometimes they never manifestin the physical and I'm stuck trying to explain something that's too tangled up in my spirit, in who I am, for me to really describe. Other times, I'll try and let it out and people twist it all around and make it into something it's not. But in the end, everything's a part of me.

Here's where the nothingness comes in. Imagine this glowing ball of string is attached to the inside of me by many lengths of itself stretched out and attached to surrounding walls. The soul is suspended there in the unexplainable realm of the spirit. The emptiness is growing up around my spirit and all the pieces suspending the spirit in my body are being severed, and now my soul is sinking into that nothingness.

That could be interpreted as being very suicidal, couldn't it? Hmm. Well, just to let you know, I'm not. That's just how it's feeling inside of me. Very unpoetic, but there you have it.

Quick question for all of you who have posted here before: Why is poetry so much more . . . "unique" and considered to be so far above more continuous forms of writing? I was reading Out of the Silent Planet by C. S. Lewis and one of the societies he creates totally revolves around poetry and song. Then my Shakespearean professor commented on how everyone is some form of poet. Write me a little something back, I want to hear what your thoughts are.

And while on the subject of poetry, try hanging out in Psalms 119 this week, read the Message version as well, it's a great thing to read when you're feeling down. It's full of all of these awesome praises to God about His goodness. Really, check it out.

I'm sorry if this all seems a little random and uncoordinated to you guys, I'm really tired and can't think properly. Hope you got the scattered and helter-scelter main ideas.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I might get to the other stuff later, but as for your question about poetry: it reminded me of something Baz Luhrmann said. He's the guy who directed the "love trilogy" of Strictly Ballroom, William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet, and my favorite, Moulin Rouge!. He did these three movies to tell love stories in three separate ways: the first one through dance, the second through poetry, and the third through song. And I know that in the extras for Moulin Rouge! (yes, I'm that much of a dork!), Ewan McGregor talks about how, emotionally, we hear and interpret song on a different level than just spoken words. I think that's the point; there's more emotion expressed through art than through simply words, and poetry, along with dance and song, is more than just words. Therefore, it can touch you on a deeper level emotionally than simple words can. Not to say that anything in prose can't be artistic; but did you ever notice that if something is particularly beautifully said, we tend to say that it's "rather poetic"? I don't see poetry as having to rhyme or have a certain meter; it is a term more descriptive of words being used to touch the soul on a deeper level than everyday conversation ever can.

September 28, 2005 8:46 PM  

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